Edited 3/15 at 6:49pm: In a previous version I said that Matt and I were self quarantined, rather we are socially isolating. We are leaving our house for walks in the woods, keeping a long distance between us and anyone we see out there, and will go to the store again when we run out of supplies. We are not going out socially or having anyone over. Sad for now and totally necessary to stop this thing. See this helpful illustration.
On Monday, I was super excited and posted a pic of myself in my new office. That night, my loving partner, Matt, and I built my furniture.
Within hours things started to get real for me as I paid closer to attention to COVID-19 news (admittedly, I had been in sort of a veiled state, not fully seeing or paying close attention).
Wednesday morning I launched my eBook baby into the world, I got it on Amazon and everything. It’s called Simple Steps for Creating Balance in Your Week.
My mind was and continues to be consumed with how to keep my most vulnerable loved ones safe. My bff and dad who live with cancer, my elderly grandma, my boogies.
By Wednesday night there was no disinfecting products or hand sanitizer to be found. All I could think about was how to get everything I need to protect myself and Matt in order to protect our vulnerable loved ones.
Thursday at a small event, hand sanitizer was brought up. I said to someone that I wanted to get the ingredients to make my own since there was none to be found. It was a 10-15 second exchange.
Someone overheard and offered their unsolicited input, “Oh, I don’t believe in hand sanitizer, it’s bad for the body.”
Fuck you very much was my immediate thought. I then felt a twinge in my chest of shame followed by frustration for being made to feel shamed.
Just moments later someone whom I love and respect very much shared with the group how they didn’t like the concept of “work life balance” because the word BALANCE illicits an image of struggle so they prefer to use “work life integration”.
Totally valid.
And, triggered again. My beloved eBook baby has the word balance right across its cover.
Yesterday Matt and I talked a lot about the coronavirus and made the decision to socially isolate. We hope we haven’t been exposed, but of course there’s no way to know for sure. I was out and about all week and we ran errands during the day to get the food and supplies we and my family need.
Then we watched Contagion and the deal was sealed.
Last night I replied to friend’s post of their local night out with, “Please, please, please be safe.” Love wrapped in judgement.
I’m certain their post was coming from a place of love and support for our local community and service-based industries being hit hard by what’s happening.
Fuck me very much.
We are all doing our best, trying to make the best decisions we can with the information we have.
As you can see it took me 3-5 days to really pay attention and begin understanding what the fuck was going on. My dear friend Deborah in Chicago was stocking up “very late” as far as she was concerned back in February.
Radical compassion is what I intend to practice from here on out.
Matt has been embodying this for as long as I’ve known him in the most beautiful ways. I’ve struggled with tapping into it for people I simply don’t like, our president for one.
I get it now.
There’s simply no way to know what’s others are feeling, thinking and contending with right now, or ever.
We’re all doing the best that we can.
When words like “hand sanitizer”, “balance”, “integration” and “please be safe” trigger us, it’s a sign that love, kindness and compassion need to be turned way the fuck up.
Please forgive me if I hurt or trigger you with my words. I ask that let me know what I said so I can do things differently next time.
I love you.